More Tales from HeidiLand

After this summer I don't think I'm going to live with roommates ever again; I end up feeling aggravated and pissed after the whole experience. But the thing is, after having issues with two of my Kingston roommates and now my Toronto roommates, I'm not sure if I have shitty luck or if I'm just a be-yotch.

My Toronto roommates are friends that I knew from before, one guy and girl who are dating each other. I'm not sure but I think I offended them off at some point because they usually act like I just pissed in their Corn Flakes whenever I try to engage them in conversation. They usually don't communicate directly with me, it's just indirect conversations laced with passive-aggression.

Highlights of my living experience with them include:

• I was tanning in the backyard and when I came back into the house the guy had left a note asking me to clean the bathrooms. I have no problem doing my share of the housework but what's with the note? After knowing each other for 1 1/2 years are we not close enough for you to make the effort of opening the screen door and walking 10 steps in order to have a direct conversation?
• One night I was watching tv in the living room, which is directly beside the front door, and they both left to spend the night at their respective family homes. The only reason I knew neither would be coming home that night was because I overheard their conversation earlier. The living room is only three feet away from the front door. They didn't call out goodbye as they left the house either.
• For a goodbye party I arranged a night out with some friends and had mentioned it earlier to them. A few days before I asked the girl if she and the guy were planning on coming. She turned around to the guy, who was beside her, and asked "what time are we leaving for the cottage?" The guy responded "I want to leave in the afternoon." And then the girl turned back to me and just looked at me without saying anything.
  

Why do I feel like I'm going to turn into that crazy cat-lady from The Simpsons?

I love the smell of napalm in the morning ...

It had been a weird year and it is not even over yet.

For a while I was 33 years old, unemployed and living in my parent's basement. I can blame my reversal of fortunes squarely upon Agent Quach of DHS. The v.c. motherfucker denied me entry into the U.S. Homeboy could barely speak english. I should of asked him how it feels to work for the government that napalmed his entire family. Because of midget man, we had to cancel our reception. On the flip side, I still got to go to Europe.

Every night I pray that Agent Quach catches HIV or SARS.

Just another one of those WTF just happened???

Ok, you guys help me intepret what happened to me yesterday.

I just finished buying groceries from the store down the street from home. I'm wearing shorts, running shoes, have a backpack on, and carrying stuff on both arms. So here i am walking back home; as i reach home, i noticed a kid ahead of me look me straight in the eye with a wierd smirk on his face. He couldnt' have been older than 20. Of course i don't think anything of it.

As i walk halfway up the stairs, suddenly he comes up and is like (in chinese), "excuse me sir, how big are your feet?" I'm like "huh??? uhh....size 9." He then proceeds to grab my ankle, lift my leg off the ground, and tries taking my left shoe off. He's like "just wanna check." I'm like WTF!?!? and slam my foot down. He then scurries off like a gawdamn rat.

So what was it?

1. He was really trying to steal my shoe (although a really bad attempt)
2. He was hoping i'd drop my groceries by making me run after him with one shoe on...where he would then proceed to steal my groceries?
3. As i ran after him, maybe someone was waiting around the corner to clock me? And then they could steal all my stuff?
4. He really did wanna know my shoe size because my shoes look so good on me? (just my old NB runners)
   

It could've been possible he followed me home because while I take one path home, he could've ran the other path so that he'd meet me head-on.

At any rate, while he was crouching down trying to take my shoe off, i should've said "hail to the king baby" and then kick him down the stairs.

Discuss.

This goes out to my balls

Awesome, the secretary finally came through for me and allowed me to take a chair meant for managers. It's not that i got promoted to manager (although i should have their gawdamn jobs...all of them combined). The cheap office chair i was using was so bad that it got to the point where i had nerve pains in my crotch where it would proceed to blaze a path down my left leg, do a sharp asian-lady-driver 180 degree turn up the same leg, back across my crotch, and into my lower back where the pains would perform River Dance and set another yet another record for the most taps in a 1 minute span.

With this new chair, the turn-around is not so much a sharp 180 turn, but more of a gentle uturn performed by an experienced driver. The move on my back is not so much a Michael Flatley, but a light-hearted jig.

What company would knowingly provide chairs that do this? oh i know!